(by Sana Agarwal)
these days i cling to hope like i barely know its face
it has been blurry lately and my brain feels jarred
i remember that woman in the red coat singing her heart out near the bank
i remember how it filled my lungs
i remember my friend’s laughter as we swirled around in graduation hats
and that lady who i met while we were feeding the pigeons
she told me about the geographers and historians in her office
the one that talked about bengal and indian food
and the other one in a coffee shop, she works at the tate and loves it, she has her grandchildren to go home to
and i realise
so much of me is made of the kindness of people around me
when it all comes back i breathe
like i’m cleansing
it hurts in my chest
and i just secretly wonder if all this hope is enough
how every time someone hugs me and means it
it heals a part of me
this poem isn’t about suffering and screaming and breaking
it’s about how, all my life, i have collected the kindness of the world in the core of my being unintentionally, wholeheartedly
for days where breathing feels heavy
i remember.
because who am i
if not my best friend’s hug
my cats sliding into my bed in the morning
the gentleness of their touch
my brother’s giggles
the swans in the river
the yellow lotuses that remind me of my mother and the winter sun
the people rushing to get through the day but stopping to witness the sunrise
the smell of new books and hastily written worn out notes
poetry that’s more blood than ink and art that helps you cleanse
i am my nanu’s letter
my nani’s handwriting
and all those strangers i happened to witness
i have been loved so deeply
by the world around me
this poem isn’t about struggling
it is one about hoping
but more so believing
that nothing can wipe me of
the warmth in my heart
the things i cling on to so dearly
the kindness of the world around me that
i so precisely gather in the ache of my heart.
