Few would deny that orgasm is a beautiful, other-worldly experience – a transcendental gift elevating you from the mundane reality of life. However, even with the rise of feminism and the emancipation movement over recent centuries, female sexuality and, in particular, the female orgasm remain clandestine topics of discussion.
In a world where the heteronormative narrative of sex still centres around penile-vaginal intercourse, it comes as little surprise that the difficulty in getting your female partner to orgasm continues to be commonplace.
According to the results on measures of orgasm frequency, published by psychologist Catherine Powers-James at the University of North Texas, 13.3% of the 835 women surveyed reported experiencing orgasm 100% of the time from penetration alone (without any clitoral stimulation). While 13.3% is a considerably high statistic, a remarkable 20.1% of women never experience orgasm from penetration.
However, the story often goes beyond the conventional explanation of female anatomy. As theorised by Dr Seymour Fisher, the absence of orgasm may be partly explained by “the fear of flying”. Orgasm could be a double-edged sword. It simulates an out-of-body experience which could be unsettling for some, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles, troubled by the fear of abandonment or loss of control.
In particular, Fisher drew a correlation between a woman’s relationship with her father and her sexual responsiveness. He found that if the father had been absent, physically or emotionally, the woman is more likely to be sexually unresponsive. This account seems compelling, with the knowledge that relationships with one’s primary caregivers from early childhood is often a reliable determinant of their attachment patterns in their adult life. This, in all probability, will affect one’s receptivity to trust a sexual partner in an act that at its very core exposes one’s deepest vulnerabilities.
A lack of effective communication is also brought forth as one of the potential reasons for one’s inability to orgasm. In another study on the absence of orgasm in women, psychologists concluded that women who have difficulty reaching orgasm generally experience “greater discomfort in communicating with a partner” when expressing their needs in engaging in sexual activities that involve direct clitoral stimulation.
As plausible as this theory sounds, the shortcomings of this study are apparent. Only 34 women of ages 21-40 were surveyed. It is difficult to see how the conclusion drawn from a limited sample space can be extrapolated to the entire female population across the world.
Even with sexual liberation over the last century, sexual shame and guilt still weigh on many women’s minds today, eating into their capacity to thoroughly enjoy their bodies. The outdated societal portrayal of femininity and womanhood has not completely faded away: the perception that “good women” are not supposed to enjoy masturbation or sex still plays into people’s psychology and subconscious to this day. It would be hardly surprising if guilt were a contributing factor to the difficulty of women to orgasm.
t is not hard to see why a considerable majority of women “hold themselves back, condemn their fantasies, foreclose on what they really want and sell themselves short on the idea that sex and love must look a certain way”. Guilt could certainly contribute to one’s degree of reservation towards different sexual activities, which could in turn compromise their chances of thoroughly enjoying partnered sex.
Orgasm has long been deemed the climax, the high point of sexual pleasure and gratification. Interestingly, however, results of most studies exploring the relationship between frequent experience of orgasm and women’s satisfaction of their sex life prove inconclusive. Instead, surveys have found that “women feel that their orgasms are important to men and often construct female orgasm as a gift men give to women in exchange for women offering their passive bodies”, rather than the sexual ecstasy it is often assumed to be. It seems that there is still a performative element to a woman’s perception of her role in sex, which could undoubtedly get in the way of sexual enjoyment.
It is not uncommon for women to feel frustrated when they find it difficult to reach climax, especially seeing that their male partner is putting in the effort to please them sexually. This could create a vicious cycle of self-blame for having problems achieving orgasm, leading to heightened anxiety during sexual acts, perpetuating the issue and eroding one’s pleasure in the moment.
It is a shame that there is a lack of contemporary research and studies on this topic. Evidently, more is yet to be explored and analysed. A diversity of interviewees should also be encouraged, given that most studies so far on this subject generated results from a predominantly white, heterosexual sample space, with the majority qualified to academic degree or professional equivalent.
But it seems as though most researchers have reached a consensus on the subject. As Guardian columnist Katherine Rowland suggests, after having spoken to 120 women about their sex lives and desires, she is under the impression that “sexual healing [has] little to do with tricks or techniques, and almost everything to do with the mind, with sensing an internal flicker of I want that – and feeling empowered to act accordingly”. The mystery around female orgasm is perhaps more likely to do with one’s psychology than anything else.
