Hi! My name is Jannah Hames. I’ve always been passionate about empowering people to live their best lives and to help with their problems. A little about me, I’m qualified to give social advice thanks to my undergraduate degree in Armchair Psychology.
This year, along with my postgraduate degree, I thought to myself, ‘I want to start an advice column to help the less fortunate solve their personal problems and challenge myself to give golden advice that you could never find elsewhere’. Let’s get started, shall we?
How do I find a girlfriend?
There is this idea going around that women are horrifically complicated people who vary a lot in what kind of interactions they enjoy and value. However, there is a fool-proof way to impress and attract any woman regardless of class, education level and age, and that is to offer them financial advice.
When you do this, make sure you’re speaking with clear diction to avoid confusion and explaining every financial term you use in great detail, e.g. “dividend”, “cryptocurrency” and “inflation”.
A bonus point that helps to woo foreign women is to ask them about their home country, and then explain to them the political situation within that country to the best of your knowledge. Most importantly, demonstrating confidence when presenting your opinions is key as women value confidence in potential suitors.
Hi, am I completely out of line for telling my friend she shouldn’t have gotten engaged? My friend, who has just turned TWENTY, recently announced she was engaged. I think it is waaaaaay too early to settle down, especially since my friend has big aspirations for her career. I asked if she was sure this was the right decision, which then turned into a big argument and we haven’t spoken since. Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
I went to a wedding this Summer, and a wise auntie told me (after commenting on my weight and career prospects) when you share your opinion about someone’s life, you should always stand your ground. You are the main character of your life, and should never allow yourself to be silenced.
Maybe you should have a casual sit-down with your friend in a coffee shop or an abandoned county court and explain why you feel the way you feel and why that is valid. It’s important to emphasise that spending your 20s on dating apps with various noncommittal men builds character and therefore, greatly opens up a multitude of career choices unavailable to married women.
When the two inevitably break up due to your persuasive powers, please forward this man to me, along with his financial information, just in case he can be used as a case study for one of my…psychological tests.
Is there any good way to tell your friend that they suck at something? My friend has built her entire personality around this idea that she’s a ‘‘writer’’ -– she lists it in her bios everywhere, always posts snippets of her writing and goes on and on about being a writer. The problem? Her writing is awful. It isn’t mediocre or unremarkable. It is terrible. It is barely coherent. It is honestly painful to read. Do I just smile along when she sends me her stuff to read or talks about her future novels? Help appreciated!
I know you think you’re slick putting this in an anonymous form, but I know it’s you, Lily.
You thought I wouldn’t be able to identify a dedicated hater just because your submissions are anonymous? I am a writer because self-expression and language are what I’m passionate about. It’s what I was put on this earth to do. I have a Nobel Peace Prize in literature, something that you could never achieve because you are too afraid to attempt to do anything.
Barely coherent? My sheer coherence has been compared to the current President of the United States. If it’s “painful to read”, that means my writing makes you feel something, and evokes emotion. Whether it brings you joy to tear down an artist or not, I don’t care. Mark my words, I will be known as the Oscar Wilde of our generation. My work will be quoted for years to come whilst you rot away in your consultancy firm, never to be remembered.
Get out of here.
