By Tristan Joseph Espinoza
Read While Listening To: The Time Is Now by Moloko
Dear Tristan,
I broke up with my boyfriend last month and we’d been together since secondary school. I’m nervous about dating again while at university, dealing with my new loneliness, and still trying to have fun experiences. I guess what I’m trying to ask is how do I go about finding love as a gay guy while not using dating apps?
Earnestly,
Lonely Lover
Dear Lover,
I’m incredibly sorry to hear about your breakup and the presence of your new, insufferable companion: loneliness. I’d be lying if saying that dealing with a breakup – however long its duration – was as easy as sipping on a delicious cosmo (I’m currently drinking one made by an old friend in their new flat, and I’ve been subbing the vodka for tequila; my childhood neighbor once told me it’s healthier.) The hard truth is that before you ever entertain the idea of dating again, you need to understand who this new version of you is apart from your ex-partner. I tried for so long after my most recent breakup to get back to who I used to be – a fixed idea in my mind that I was happier long before I ever met them. I clung to my feelings as if they were a rollercoaster, laying the tracks for where I’d end up next, and listened to an ungodly amount of Eloise’s Drunk on a Flight. But, nothing seemed to release me from the grasp I put myself into. I had to realize that I wasn’t just thankful for both the good and the bad in my past relationship, but that I was now stronger than any past iteration of myself because of it. And, trust me, your newfound confidence will dictate every decision you make next.
When you feel like you’re finally ready to date again, it’s important to know that Tinder or Hinge aren’t your only options – and that doesn’t mean Grindr is either. So often we (young people) are told what experiences need to happen next in our lives, what stepping stones we need to cross in order to find eternal happiness, as we’re coached into appearing older. But, that doesn’t mean love only exists online, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you can’t go on dates without scrolling through someone’s pictures on your phone first. Some of the best nights of my life – with friends or lovers – were because of a chance encounter at a club, a random house party, or just from putting myself out there on a whim (obviously, with the help of a few cosmos). We have to remember that life constantly happens around us. All we have to do is simply look up.
I also think that everyone who uses dating apps as the only way to facilitate one’s love life is secretly a little bit insecure – myself included. Don’t get me wrong, dating apps are an incredible way to figure out what you want in a partner, what you want to better yourself in, and how to explore a new city. But, once you’ve already built the foundation for who you want to become, you have to delete the app, close your phone, and step out into the real world. Go to every club, party, or event you’ve ever wanted to go to – by yourself even – and let yourself fear the unknown. Let yourself get denied, dance like no one is watching, and have fun while doing it. I know that navigating love is hard, but you’re stronger. So, wish your loneliness goodbye and walk into the night with confidence. The time is now.
Illustration by Francesca Corno
Bio: Tristan Joseph Espinoza is a writer and proud Osage Native from outside Dallas, Texas. While pursuing his undergraduate degree at Columbia University, Espinoza is also currently studying abroad at the London School of Economics and Political Science. He is the creative director of the Indigenous Peoples’ Initiative, a youth-led organization that works to combat the stereotypes and stigmatism that plague Indigenous communities. His work has appeared in Osage News, The Plentitudes Literary Journal, Solange Knowles’ BlackPlanet, and others. In his spare time, Espinoza likes to watch Survivor reruns and post film photos of his loved ones on Instagram @thetristane.
