by Alice Aurell, Illustration by Alice Aurell and Vaneeza Jawad
After 2.5 years of the uni dating scene, I can firmly say every encounter I have had with a member of the opposite sex has been resoundingly underwhelming. One time a guy threw a drink in my face (and my all-white outfit) and then 10 minutes later tried to chat me up in the line to the bathroom. Another time, a guy approached me on the dancefloor with the coldest breath making me imagine our, blessedly short, encounter to be similar to that of being eaten by a White Walker. Most frequently, however, whenever approached I always end up having to defend women’s rights. These conversations usually take place outside of a random McDonalds at 2 AM while the alcoholic buzz wears off and whoever I am talking to shrinks from 6ft-4-hottest-man-alive to a 5ft-8-medium-ugly-boy.
Dating Tip #1: If you wanna get with a girl maybe don’t negate her traumatic experiences.
Still, it would be unfair of me to write off men completely just because LSE boys harbor misogynistic tendencies. So, as I entered my last Lent Term at LSE I decided to take fate into my own hands and force myself to go, not on one, but three first dates. To increase the success rate I am casting a wide net as each guy will be a student at LSE, KCL, and UCL respectively. All the dates will be scouted on Hinge because (a) I want to minimize the chance of ever seeing these people again and (b) we all know Tinder is not used for First Dates ™.
Dating Tip #2: It is easier to motivate yourself to go on a first date if you delude yourself into thinking that it is for research purposes instead of your personal enjoyment.
While I have not been on any dates yet, I have my three test subjects lined up and some preliminary results to share based on DMs. Firstly, the KCL guy has already given me the ick. Not to play into a well-known narrative but it is what it is. Secondly, the UCL guy is a horrible liar who said he deleted Instagram as a way of justifying him ghosting me. To be fair, I think this reveals more about me than him since I am still planning to get coffee with him. Lastly, the LSE guy does not strike me as a men’s rights activist but there is still time for him to prove me wrong.
Dating Tip #3: Schedule your dates in the same week as UCU strikes.
If you want a full run down and definitive ranking of each boy, tune into the podcast “Nobody Asked” which I co-host with Woman’s Officer, Tito. Our episode premiers on LT week 5 for all of you lonely people out there!
Dating Tip #4: Do not go on a date for love, go on a date for the plot, the clout, and the slim chance you can start a journalistic career from it.
