by Vaneeza Jawad
cover illustrated by Charlie To
Libra
Mercury just entered your sign today, which means you have more reason now than ever to be annoying! That isn’t to say that you’re not usually annoying. You are, I assure you. Most people don’t see it under your penchant for overdressing. But I see through you, Libra. I’m watching you. Happy birthday!
Scorpio
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t be sexy and mysterious if that’s literally all you talk about. It takes away from the appeal. This week, say less.
Sagittarius
Jupiter is in retrograde so feeling not like yourself is actually your truth right now. Own it! You may feel like shit, but everyone’s actually very happy you’re not the loudest person in the room right now.
Capricorn
We all know there’s no one more upset than you about no longer being able to listen to lectures online at 2x speed while we balance spreadsheets at our day-jobs. But money is temporary, Capricorn. GV102 is forever. This week, make a fuss in class. You deserve it.
Aquarius
There are more people than you think able to see through your social-pariah-posing and find what you truly crave: attention and community. I know it’s hard, but don’t be pathetic about it. You are just like other girls! Revel in it.
Pisces
The cutesy act only flies with people who are in love with you, and as you’ll learn this week — not many are. And that’s okay! There are worse problems to have, like being too sensitive. Oh, wait. Never mind.
Taurus
Here’s the thing: you’ll get the big-house-fast-car-huge-paycheque fantasy eventually, but what’s the point if where you are right now doesn’t feel like home? Tell a friend about your worst fears. Chances are they already know because someone showed them your finsta, but at least they’ll be hearing it from the source.
Aries
You know, it would be harder for people to typecast you as a hotheaded mess if you ever did something that actually proved them wrong. A lot of your anger this week is imaginary. It’s not real! What’s that, am I gaslighting you? That isn’t even a word.
Gemini
You have a spending problem this week, which is hardly news. What is news, though — concerning news — is that haircut you’ve been considering. Stop it. Unless you mean to scare off your secret admirer. I know! We’re all shocked you have one too.
Cancer
This week, you’ll inadvertently teach your friends that the only two primal urges that exist in this world are ugly-crying and manipulating unsuspecting strangers. And then you might need new friends. Don’t be afraid to say no, even when you really want to say yes.
Leo
Every reflective surface will bend to serve as a mirror for you. You are the centre of the universe and everyone who says you aren’t is a hater. This week, be more delusional. It’s good for the economy.
Virgo
How do you manage to sound so shrill even when there’s nothing wrong with your voice? No really, it’s a skill that should go on your LinkedIn. Speaking of, living in a flat-share with people you hate does not count as voluntary rehabilitative community service, and that G-Sachs recruiter is totes suspicious. You still have time to delete it!
