By Professor Beav
Hey Prof Beav,
I have something to get off my chest and there is no easy way to say it: I’m a woman who has never been able to orgasm with men, ever. And for some reason, even my vibrator can’t do its job when there’s someone else in the situation. I can’t lie, I’m a bit of a newbie to all the adult-y sex related fun, so I’d like some guidance please!
Yours,
Lonesome Wanker.
Hello, Lonesome Wanker!
Thank you for your question! The orgasm gap is a very real and tragic thing. Of all demographics, straight women are the most likely to have never experienced an orgasm during sex, and I have so much to say, so let’s dive in!
Your question suggests that you can orgasm without a man in the room, so I’m going to rule out medical issues right off the bat. My first thought is: how is he touching you? Men are notoriously ignorant of the details of a vagina, and cis-het (cisgender heteronormative) sex risks centering penetration – and very few women can actually orgasm through penetration alone.
Let me tell you a secret. Once upon a time, I too couldn’t orgasm during ‘straight’ sex. And then, one fateful afternoon, stoned as fuck (shout out to gravity bongs), I had my first ever orgasm with a man. The experience was amazing. Up until that day, I’d always been painfully aware of my partner – how they perceived me, what they liked, what they wanted. I’d become so wrapped up in providing an enjoyable experience for them, that I could never just enjoy the moment. Whilst high, I didn’t – couldn’t – give a fuck about any of that. As it turns out, if somebody is already in bed with you, they’re probably attracted to you enough that you don’t need to perform how porn taught us to.
The way I see it, you’ve got a few options and the least advisable is to have intoxicated sex; do as I say, not as I do! I think the first step is to communicate. Being vulnerable is a part of sex. The fact that even your vibrator (controlled by you?) won’t get you there if somebody else is involved makes me think that this is psychological. Maybe, like me, you’re too in your head? It’s a good idea to look at what you need to orgasm, and whether you can get that in the contexts that you typically have sex in.
In conclusion, dearest LW, I have a few suggestions: communicate, reflect, experiment. Get to know what your body needs, and whether you’re giving yourself sexual scenarios that fulfill those needs.
*Also, pardon the reach, but it might be worth looking into comphet (compulsory hetrosexuality).
