Written by Shreya Gupta
Illustrated by Anonymous
When asked, Donald Trump claimed his New Year’s resolution was “Peace on Earth”. The irony is remarkable, given that he quite literally started the year off with a bang. At least my New Year’s resolutions lasted longer than three days (a win is a win).
Predicting Trump’s real New Year’s resolutions may be an impossible task, but I’ve taken it upon myself to try anyway. So, here is what I think Trump wants to accomplish in 2026:
1. Bring back colonial conquest
This one is definitely at the top of his list, and he’s already made a strong start. Trump has shown a fondness for dragging the 19th century Monroe Doctrine back into the spotlight to justify a more aggressive, anything-goes approach to the Western Hemisphere.
In true Trump fashion, this hasn’t just been a revival — it’s been a rebrand. Enter the “Donroe Doctrine”: a portmanteau of Donald and Monroe, where old-school imperial logic is repackaged with personal branding and capital letters. Latin America is once again America’s “backyard”, whether it likes it or not. Greenland is next to be captured on Trump’s geopolitical Monopoly board, and I doubt anyone will get in his way.
2. Kidnap more presidents
Who will be next on Trump’s ‘Wanted’ list? He’s likely to get bored soon, so Maduro probably won’t be the last president to be dragged out of his bed in the middle of the night. Colombia’s Gustavo Petro seems to be the next victim, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Cuba and Mexico’s leaders are too. Perhaps Trump desires a “kidnap one president a month” situation, as grotesque as that may sound.
3. Never utter the word Epstein ever again
Epstein? Who’s that? Trump seems determined to erase the entire saga through the noble art of distraction. When scrutiny arises, the solution is simple: say something louder, stranger, or geopolitically alarming. Between selective memory loss and pretending the US Department of Justice doesn’t exist, I suspect Epstein will soon cease to exist altogether — at least in Trump’s version of reality.
4. Figure out how to run for a third term
I’m guessing this won’t feel particularly hard for Trump. If 2026 started with violating international laws, what’s another constitutional obstacle? Changing the 22nd Amendment may be near impossible, but Trump’s ego is unlikely to tolerate sitting back while someone else runs the country. Creative legal theories, enthusiastic supporters, or simply ignoring the problem altogether seem equally plausible. He’s already acted like the Constitution is open to interpretation (preferably his).
5. Win that Nobel Peace Prize
This one is just humiliating for him to even consider. Trump wants a Nobel Peace Prize for a style of diplomacy best described as aggressive negotiation with threats attached. Funnily enough, Venezuela’s opposition leader María Corina Machado has even presented her Nobel Peace Prize with him — a brazen attempt at flattery.
The praise didn’t stop there: FIFA invented a so-called “Peace Prize”, conveniently awarded to Trump on the 5th of December. Gianni Infantino, FIFA’s president, applauded Trump’s supposed talent for making the world a safer place, though as the New Year’s events have unfolded, he has remained conspicuously quiet ever since.
6. Gaslight Ukraine into a “favourable peace” agreement with Russia
Last year, Trump claimed a peace agreement between Ukraine and Russia was “95% complete”, including a vague 15-year security guarantee for Ukraine. Zelensky, however, remains concerned about both the time frame and territorial compromises involved. But Putin doesn’t like compromise, and Trump is well-versed in the politics of unpredictability. If 2026 really is the year of revived colonial conquest, Ukraine may find itself pressured into a peace that looks suspiciously like capitulation.
7. Exasperate another Middle East country
Trump’s limited attention span means annoying Iran will never quite be enough. By eagerly teaming up with Israel, escalation with Hezbollah, Lebanon, and possibly Yemen starts to look less like a potential risk and more like the desired future.
8. Win at least 5 court cases against media companies
Media battles will continue well into 2026. Whether it’s Trump versus the Wall Street Journal or Trump versus the BBC, the dynamic remains the same: he doesn’t like journalists, journalists don’t like him, and both sides seem unable to disengage. Perhaps 2026 will finally be the year Trump wins some of these lawsuits. Or maybe he’ll take us back to the glory days of censorship. Freedom of the press? Not if we want to Make America Great Again!
9. Create more insider trading opportunities
If there’s anything Trump loves more than his rich donors, it’s his corrupt rich donors. Whether through suspiciously well-timed announcements or policy decisions that feel oddly market-sensitive, the line between governance and enrichment continues to blur. One imagines that the Securities and Exchange Commission can’t decide which violation to investigate first.
10. Update tariffs every week
This is probably one of Trump’s favourite hobbies. Whether he spins a wheel to decide which country deserves the next round of tariff hikes, or simply decides on impulse over a game of golf, the result is the same: chaos, but make it economic.
11. Bring back the bromance
Where art thou, Musk? As usual, he can’t sit still for long. Between questionable tech ventures and political dabbling, Musk remains the perfect chaotic counterpart to Trump. Their recent reunion may signal a return to politics — or perhaps Musk just needs Trump to help him out of yet another sticky situation. Either way, the bromance appears far from over.
12. More oil
Self-explanatory.
To Conclude:
New year, new Trump? Yes … but not in a good way. Watching this presidency unfold often feels like a badly scripted thriller, where the plot changes every ten minutes. The truly terrifying part is that this isn’t fiction. It’s real life, and he’s a real human being.
