Breaking: Failure to maintain globe causes dirt-related diplomatic debacle at LSE

The LSE Directorate had to move quickly late Friday as a custodial issue escalated into a minor diplomatic incident. Sources within the Estates Division confirm that the schedule for cleaning The World Turned Upside Down, commonly known as ‘The Globe’, was to blame. The sculpture, located mere seconds’ flight from prime avian nesting grounds in Lincoln’s Inn Field, needs to be regularly cleaned of bird droppings. News broke on social media that, amongst others, the Arabian Peninsula had borne the brunt of what has evidently been an insufficient cleaning regime. 

The region was fatefully chosen, with online discourse rapidly devolving into vitriolic mud-slinging fueled by tension, oil money, and geopolitical ramifications. As The Beaver went to print, Director Shafik had convened an emergency meeting of the School Management Committee after an as-yet unnamed Gulf state withdrew 90% of an academic department’s funding in protest. 

Some immediately linked the incident to reports of understaffing and other systemic problems facing LSE cleaners, a story recently broken in The Beaver. When reached for comment, a cleaner, who requested to remain anonymous in order to speak candidly, said of the incident, “That’s praxis, bitch.” When your correspondent asked if this would be an isolated incident in light of understaffing, the employee responded, “The School keeps f–king around, they’ll find out.”

Mr G. Juano, who is heading up the Estates Division’s official response team, was reached for comment: “Obviously the situation is less than ideal. We’re keeping all options on the table. Protecting funding sources is, of course, the School’s number one priority.” Mooted responses include freeing up staffing by permanently closing all Library bathrooms, described by Juano as “not a massive change from the status quo”, or erecting a protective barrier over the globe to prevent future besmirchments. Possible sponsors of the barrier have been reported to include Huawei and McKinsey; when asked if the canopy would protect other vulnerable regions, such as South America and Sub-Saharan Africa, school officials responded, “We must keep costs to a minimum.” 

Asked whether the cleaning schedule could be enhanced by hiring more staff and providing a better working environment, a spokesperson for the School commented, “I mean, or we could rotate the globe so a less-sensitive country is facing upwards. We don’t have donors from the Pacific islands, do we?”

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