Beaver

How to Get COVID-19 in 9 Easy Steps

So you want to get Covid-19.

Maybe you want the convenience of attending all your classes over Zoom. Maybe you want to get it “over and done with” before even more of the academic year slips through your fingertips. Maybe you’re tired of your roommate’s pile of dirty laundry and just want to lose your sense of smell for a few days. Whatever the reason, we’ve got you covered. Here’s our quick, 9-step guide to catching corona as fast as possible.

1. DON’T wear a mask
Everyone knows that it’s physically impossible to breathe in a mask. The only reason to ever wear one is to hide your true self from the world. Live not in fear! Be bold! Be brave! Be a biohazardous nightmare! That’s real empowerment.

2. DON’T sanitise the area around you
The only small, hand-portable bottle of alcohol I carry around is 35CL of Red Label Vodka. (Smirnoff, give me free stuff). Germ lives matter too, so why not give them a place to stay – at your desk, and then in you! I’m pretty sure you can write that under “Volunteer Work” in your CV, right?

3. DON’T practice social distancing
Human beings are social creatures. That’s just a fact. We simply can’t help being the way we are. Social distancing is unnatural, which means that it’s not right. Think of it this way – would you rather give up your social life, or your actual life? It’s a no brainer.

4. DON’T wash your hands often
Ever since I watched The Wizard of Oz, I’ve lived in constant fear of water. Who knows what kinds of germs and diseases could be travelling through those rusty utility pipes? And soap? You know that’s made from animal fat, right? You really want to be rubbing your hands all over with whale blubber? I’ll stick to my daily routine of a cut-lemon scrub down. Body odour is a myth invented by Big Deodorant and all those people staring at you on the Tube are just in on the conspiracy.

5. DON’T get tested
Tests are hard. What kind of nerd would volunteer for a test? Someone with too much free time on their hands, that’s who. Even if you start developing symptoms, remember: you don’t actually “have COVID” until you get a test result. Continue living blissfully in a “Schrödinger’s Cat”-esque state of plausible deniability.

6. DO mingle outside your household
You know what you call someone who only “mingles” within their own “household”? Incestuous. Pretty sure that’s illegal. Too much intra-household “mingling” was what caused King George III (of Hamilton fame) to lose his marbles. Learn from his mistakes. Don’t be like George.

7. DO share food/ drinks with others
Sharing is caring. And in these unprecedented times, it is important that we look out for one another. So the next time you’re out drinking in a park because all the pubs are closed, remember to pass that bottle around. It’s like an indirect goodnight kiss for the homies.

8. DO attend/ host large, crowded events
And I don’t mean your 900-strong Economics Zoom lecture, either. Have a real rager, in-person! Safety in numbers, right? The virus can’t get us all.

9. DO take this article seriously
Ignore the fact that at the time of writing, 55,000 people have already died of Covid-19 in the UK, every one of which was someone’s son, daughter, father, or mother. Just keep living your best life and blatantly flouting the rules, thinking that it’ll never happen to you. Because it won’t. Right?

Right?

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