sometimes the need to write

(by Ambre Pluta and illustrated by Vaneeza Jawad)

sometimes the need to write is not  

something that i can explain with words 

it’s like ceaseless screaming all around 

it makes my hands shake and my heart race

but i can’t find the right words 

these aren’t the right words 

this is not what i need to write 

this is not representative of the screaming in my mind 

i’m not even sure it’s a scream anymore 

maybe it’s a deep dark abyss desperately trying to pull me in 

to make me trip and fall 

maybe at the very bottom i’ll find what i’m looking for 

all i know for sure is that to quiet my racing heart i need to keep writing 

until nothing around me makes sense anymore 

until the sun has risen and set hundreds of times

until my hands have stopped shaking and can return to things that aren’t writing

the shaking spreads from my fingers to my hands 

then slowly takes over my whole body

the words so desperate to be written down at the same time 

but too many scratch at the inside of my mind

sometimes the need to write is a daunting feeling 

of something i should be doing 

but i simply walk around 

with a pen that ran out of ink long ago

with no way of knowing the way to go

sometimes the need to write cannot be ignored 

it would drive me crazy not to write

or maybe i’m already insane

and this is why i cannot stop letting the words out

sometimes the need to write becomes a ghost 

that isn’t tangible and that i cannot hold within my hands 

but it haunts me day and night 

sometimes the need to write is a never settled hunger 

that no number of letters and words seem to satisfy 

sometimes sometimes sometimes

or just about every time i see the sun rise

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