Bank of England lowers base rate on street credit

The Bank of England’s Special Monetary Policy Committee (SMPC) met Friday and announced it would be lowering the base rate for street credit by 60 basis points, the largest single reduction in rates since the shocking underperformance of Wiley’s ninth studio album, Evolve or Be Extinct, in January 2012. Then, as now, the Bank was keen to increase availability of street cred and increase total trading volume.  Commenting on the developments, SPMC Chair and part-time LSE Director of Cultural Estates Max Fucke said “A number of narratives concerning the failure, and some would say the meaninglessness, of subtextual street credit markets make BoE economists fear a paper tiger syndrome affecting UK street institutions.” 

Your correspondent, seeking a ground-level view of the incipient crisis, contacted a dealer in street cred, ketamine, and non-collegiate Cambridge sweatshirts for comment. Speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss matters openly, the trader said, “Markets are very jittery right now, we’re calling on every British citizen to remain calm and maintain normal street cred purchases. Please, if you can, go to your local whippet dealer or off-license vape provider, make a purchase, and ensure that our community can weather the storm.” 

Party drug dealers, already under pressure from Britain’s “dead-as-fuck party scene” and facing looming import difficulties cutting off valuable MDMA and 2C-B trading routes, are especially hard it, and will certainly welcome the BoE’s decision. A BoE working group is scheduled to convene online and release a recording of the meeting to leverage the influx of big names in party drug dealing from Europe in order to shore up market confidence. Leeds, the UK’s drug capital, is expected to be a key beneficiary of the BoE’s expansionary measures. Richard Burgon, MP for Leeds East, hailed the Bank’s move to ramp up local industry, saying, “Leeds is very proud of its extra-legal pharmaceutical entrepreneurs, we certainly applaud the BoE’s decision to calm key markets.”

Threats of a no-deal Brexit have paradoxically increased other key indicators of British street cred trading volume, as traders anticipate that the UK will soon enjoy an influx of highly skilled der funky beats professionals from Germany. There are rumours that Stromae is mulling a move to the British capital, among other continental migrants. The pro-Brexit Parliamentary Working Group on Why the Continent Sucks Ass (PWGWCSA) has previously released data indicating that Britain has experienced a substantial deficit in street credit in every year since the country entered the European Union in 1973.

The Bank of England’s move mirrored that of central banks around the world, with the Reserve Dank Bank of Philadelphia moving last week to sharply increase street cred liquidity across American markets, and street cred institutions around the world expected to follow suit in coming days. Trading in the bellwether Baltimore midnight to 5am dealing session ticked up following the announcement, and returns on ten-year Californian indoor hybrid futures, a safe-haven asset, rose on the news. Shares of Purdue Pharmaceuticals, the only publicly traded company listed on Detroit’s historic Sackler Market for Illegal and Deeply Immoral Endeavours, were up 3% at the close of trading.

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