LSE could go bankrupt ‘any day now’

The decade got off to a rough start for LSE, as it emerged that the university was on the brink of bankruptcy. A spokesperson for the School told the Beaver that the crisis had been discovered ‘about ten minutes after we started back after the Christmas break’ and that ‘the money could run out any day now.’

The main cause of the problem appears to have been the enormous cost of supplying the campus with modular office furniture, which reportedly made up 74% of operating costs in 2019. ‘We felt that installing state-of-the-art furnishings was the right way to go,’ said a representative of the estates division, ‘after all, those wiggly sofas that don’t have proper back support have been proven to boost productivity by up to 12%.’

Amid the turmoil, the SU announced that it would be launching a new line of merchandise for its shop in order to raise additional funds to support its activities. The new line of products will feature a selection of scented candles with fragrances such as ‘Wright’s Bar Breakfast’ and ‘Musty LSE100 Classroom’. Students and staff will also be able to purchase and download the LSE-themed mediation album, which offers a range of familiar sounds to help listeners ‘relax and reconnect to campus’. Early reviews for the album have been mixed, however, with one listener telling your correspondent that ‘It was just 45 minutes of construction noise.’

The School also announced plans to repurpose some of its property to generate income. According to sources, Peacock Theatre will double up as a hotel, as it is already the perfect location for sleeping; the newly completed Centre Building will operate as an assessment centre for Morgan Stanley.

All in all, the situation looks rather bleak. There is even talk that the Globe may have to be pawned if things don’t improve soon. If Minouche had only landed the job at the Bank of England, she could have slipped LSE some extra cash to keep the lights on. We attempted to reach out to students for their thoughts on the university’s money troubles, but unfortunately none were contactable as everyone is still away on skiing holidays. 

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