Royal Society of Biology Announces Strawberry Blond “Isn’t a Real Hair Colour”

In an unexpected and controversial statement made on Friday, the Royal Society of Biology stated that the hair colour known as ‘strawberry blond(e)’ is no longer recognised by the society. “Many people try to call their hair ‘strawberry blond’,” said the RSB press officer, “but we, as scientists and searchers of truth, have decided that we must make it clear that these people are lying to others and themselves. ‘Strawberry blond’ isn’t a real hair colour.”

When asked what evidence they had to support their statement, the RSB pointed to a 2017 study they published which researched deep brain activity. The study states: “when asked to confirm their hair colour, self-proclaimed ‘strawberry blond(e)s’ exhibit large activity in the cerebral gingrex. This strongly suggests that, deep down, even they know they’re ginger.”

The press officer went on to say: “the RSB hopes that this statement will put an end to ginger-denying. These people need to get over themselves and admit they’re ginger. I mean really.” But things haven’t been easy for some former SBs. We spoke to one individual (wishing to remain anonymous) who said, through tears: “My parents always told me I was strawberry blond. Now they’ve admitted that they just couldn’t face the fact that they had a ginger kid. They say they still love me, but how can I believe that now?”

Some former SBs have accepted the transition and are trying to get on with their new lives as gingers. However, certain segments of the ginger community have been far from welcoming. A spokesperson from the Ginger Defence League said: “It’s frankly disgusting what these SBs are doing. They think they can be welcomed into our community after spurning us their whole lives?”

The country fears for next week’s ginger march, where clashes between ginger purists and former SBs are surely unavoidable. The police, though, aren’t too worried: “Yes, there may be some minor scuffles,” said our Scotland Yard source. “But they’ll all be too busy slapping on sun tan lotion to do any real damage.”

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