Cliteracy Class 10: ladies, start wanking!

By Pussy Galore

Miss PG got her HPV vaccinations in year 9 – when asked if she had been sexually active, she answered with a definitive no. Naturally as a goody goody, what is the likelihood of her having under-aged sex?! Recently, some of my uni friends are also getting their jabs. One of them had a peculiar concern around the awkwardness that could arise during such an exchange, which drove her to thoroughly research the term ‘sexually active’ before attending her appointment. Well, it was rather underwhelming that even though she fully braced herself for the occasion, it turned out the nurse didn’t even seem to care about a random nineteen-year-old’s current status of sexual activity.

Apparently, according to her research, masturbation does not fall into the category of being ‘sexually active’. As much as I understand that the definition has more to do with your risk of being infected by STDs than anything else, as a fervent female masturbation believer, I was sulking nonetheless.

Why? You may ask. Eh, because wanking is just bloody brilliant?! And truly, I am deeply troubled by the massive, massive gap in the masturbation history between an average man and woman. Though by no means a statistically representative sample, Miss PG found out through the illegitimate sampling method of asking around – her male friends typically started exploring the iridescent world of masturbation at the age of 11, and her female friends started around the age of 18, while some have never even tried it out!

The art of masturbation still blows my mind. We’ve essentially been planted a button inside our body and when triggered, can stimulate an absolute dopamine shower. What a godsend! No offence to anyone with deep rooted religious beliefs out there, but wow, isn’t that the most apparent evidence for a benevolent God?!

Honestly, for those of you who have not started wanking – oh my god, make your first baby step, start touching yourself! We, as females, are already putting up with so much unfairness in life – let’s try not to lose out on this one! Once you know what gets you off, perhaps consider getting your first sex toy. It will be so worth it, I promise. Mine was a pastel purple vibrator, which apparently was so hilarious to my friend that she wouldn’t stop laughing when I told her that. Well, you know, this is a case where we gain both style and substance!

I am not even joking – my darling of a vibrator has the ability to light up the dullest days. Imagine at the end of an exhausting day, after having been fully mind-fucked by LSE and endless internship applications, as you lie in bed, you open up your secretive drawer to unveil your sweetest darling (!). Being the lazy bastard that I am, I like to just close my eyes and leave it there to do its thing. Soon enough, your mouth will hang open uncontrollably with an itchy twitching sensation, which heightens with each and every stroke, until a blissful flow of warmth flushes through your entire body, leaving you breathless, sweaty and almost euphoric… Oh, my, fucking, God!

An important note from our PG big sister though: please, remember to pee afterwards, whether or not there was any penetration. It is always better to be on the safer side to avoid any possible infection. And try not to be too greedy and masturbate excessively after you discover the brand-new world. Miss PG had an embarrassing fainting experience after a wank, which left her a humiliating bruise on her upper arm. I learned it the hard way.

I know, for one reason or another, my body does not seem to approve of more than weekly ‘self-care’ sessions. Not only does it find the need to tell me – ugh, by shutting down and fainting (which thankfully only happened once), my clit refuses to respond if I touch myself more than twice a week! But it’s alright – I’ve learned to accept my body as it comes (oh, oh! Pun unintended).

I had my usual TMI girl talk about orgasms the other day with one of my friends. I told her that I honestly have to abstain if I wanna come – the last time I came was earlier that week. She asked me if I was still in contact with the guy. I was confused, but then I realised what she was saying… Yah, of course I am still in contact with my vibrator – I had not had sex with anyone for about a month then!

You see, it’s one of those things that gets you through a dry spell, if it ever troubles you at all. For me, personally, having sex with another human being feels more gratifying, because I am someone who loves skin-to-skin contact. But no matter what you prefer, it is always sexy when you know the way around your body!

So, our homework this week will be breezy – if you have yet to discover the fun of masturbation, give it a go. There is honestly no one way of doing it – just listen to your body and see how it feels. Set aside some time just for you and truly, truly enjoy it.

Right, class dismissed – that’s a wrap! Good luck, ladies. Go on and explore and have your well-deserved fun!


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